Ron Weasley Kills
by Reaka
Summary: Don't read if you don't like hearing SpongeBob square pants being insulted. I do that a lot. An evil cartoon is brainwashing the world, and it's up to Ron Weasley to stop it.
1. The Brainwashing

Disclaimer: Oh shut up already! I know I don't own it! Leave me alone!  
  
Reaka: Yet again! I start something new even though I have a lot of other projects to do as well. Someone should remind me not to do that! Anyway, this is kind of random, and it just now popped in my head. So here it goes. I also don't own the one that's being killed.  
  
WARNING! There is some serious SpongeBob slamming in this one. So if you really like Spongebob, I suggest you don't read it.  
  
Ron Weasely Kills...  
  
For some unknown reason, Uncle Vernon had decided to let Harry have Ron come over for a few days. Maybe he was just afraid of the threat Lupin, Tonks, and Moody gave to him. But all in all, he let Ron come over.  
  
Harry and Ron sat on the couch watching TV. Suddenly, a new TV show came on. The annoying music and horrible cartoon made both boys scream bloody murder. Suddenly, Ron stood up and held up his wand.  
  
"Harry, this evil thing is trying to turn our brains into mush! We must destroy it!"  
  
"But Ron! I can't! It's starting to take effect on me!"  
  
As Ron watched in horror, Harry started to smile and sing along to the horrible, vile thing. Ron grabbed his broomstick and flew off to the headquarters of this evil cartoon.

Meanwhile, at the evil cartoon's hideout, the evil cartoon sat at his table, smoking a cigar, somehow, and laughing as he watched Harry Potter's downfall.  
  
"Excellent. Everything is going according to plan. Lord Voldemort will be very pleased."  
  
"But Lord Voldemort isn't even our boss!" said a minion. "He's not even involved in our plan! He was the first one we brainwashed into liking our show!"  
  
"AH yes. I remember now. Now all we have to do is...wait! The red haired one is gone! He could be the only one that could destroy us! We must destroy him! We WILL destroy him!"  
  
The shadowy cartoon leaned over his table and into the light. It was SpongeBob Square Pants! He laughed the annoying, nasal, laugh of his that made everyone cringe.Ron flew as fast as he could on his broomstick. He needed to get to the Burrow and fast. His father was supposed to get a Muggle TV today, and if that annoying cartoon was on, then his family would soon be brainwashed.  
  
"What could possess someone to like that annoying cartoon?" Ron asked himself as he flew on home. "It's the most retarded thing I've ever watched. They're being brainwashed!"  
  
Finally, he made it to the Burrow. Quickly, he jumped off his broomstick and left where it was so he could go in.  
  
"Ron!" his mother called. "You're home already? That was a quick visit!"  
  
"Mum, don't let Dad turn on the TV!" Ron warned. "Or you'll be brainwashed by an evil cartoon!"  
  
"Oh don't be ridiculous," Mrs. Weasley said. "We're watching TV right now!"  
  
"WHAT?!!"  
  
Ron and his mother went to the living room, where the TV was. (A/N: I don't know what the British call it, so it's the living room.) To his dismay, his whole family sat and watched SpongeBob and sang along with it. Even Percy was getting into it.  
  
"Now Ron, join the family and watch this cartoon!" Percy said.  
  
"NEVER! I WILL NEVER FALL FOR IT'S EVIL!"  
  
"Oh, but you must," Mrs. Weasley said, "Fred, George, get your brother and bring him up. He needs to watch with the family."  
  
Fred and George obediently got up and started to chase after Ron. Ron screamed and started to run away, but he was tripped by Ginny. Fred and George grabbed their brother and tied him up to a chair.  
  
"Oh good!" Ginny exclaimed. "It's a SpongeBob marathon!"At the evil SpongeBob's hideout, SpongeBob did that annoying laugh again as he watched Ron's family turn against him.  
  
"That's right, Ron Weasley," said SpongeBob evilly, "there's a whole marathon. And it's all because of you. There will be SpongeBob everywhere until you are brainwashed and you like it!"Ron squirmed and squirmed as the most evil, retarded, gayest cartoon was playing on the TV. He had never screamed so loud in his life.  
  
Reaka: How was that? Was it any good? Do you agree with me that SpongeBob somehow finds a way to brainwash stupid people into liking that retarded crap? Seriously! I watched the premiere of when it came on, and my reaction was, "What is this? This is retarded!"  
  
Well, anyway, review please, and tell me how much you like it or tell me how much you hate me for slamming SpongeBob so much. This might be the third fanfic that everyone will want to kill me for writing! Oh well. Review please. Until then, bye! 


	2. Plan B

Disclaimer: Screw off.  
  
Reaka: Hi everyone! Well, the wait is over! I've caused a little bit of an uproar with this one! I've got some mixed feelings from the reviewers. But you know what? I don't care how horrible you think this is! I'm finishing it anyway!  
  
To the Reviewers!  
  
Princess-Perfect: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the perspective of it! It is surprising how SpongeBob was so popular wasn't it?  
  
Ned: I did warn you that I insult SpongeBob a lot. Sorry you didn't like it. You may not be reading this again, but sorry for your disappointment.  
  
Monkee-Frodo: Yay! Another SpongeBob hater! Go us!  
  
Ginnywea: I guess you can't expect every story you read to be really good can you. If you've read my other ones, I guess you can consider this one my flop. I'm sorry for your displeasure.  
  
Ginervas-Devil-Within: So are you complimenting me? If you are thank you! If not, I'm sorry.  
  
Fool Moon: Thank you so much! And I agree with you whole-heartedly!  
  
Reese Craven: Oh believe me, there will be more. Thanks!  
  
WARNING! SpongeBob is insulted a lot in this fic. If you like SpongeBob very much and don't like hearing him be insulted, stop reading this now. You'll be wasting your time if you want a good fic.  
  
Now without further ado, on with the story!  
  
Ron couldn't take it anymore. This annoying thing that was playing on TV tortured him mercilessly. He closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the bright, yellow blob make that stupid laugh that sounds like a strangled sheep. He couldn't close his ears, so he was stuck hearing it.  
  
"Oh come now Ron!" George said.  
  
"If you watch one episode with us, we'll untie you!" Fred offered.  
  
"One episode!" Ron thought frantically. "I'll be brainwashed into liking this crap! It only took Harry mere seconds before he was sucked into this mania of stupidity! How did this retarded crap become even more popular than the Powerpuff Girls? How do I even know who the Powerpuff Girls are? Should I risk being brainwashed? If it means saving the world, I'll do it."  
  
Ron opened his eyes again, and he finally agreed into watching the episode.  
  
Meanwhile, in SpongeBob's hideout, (the pineapple for you unfortunate souls that had to watch it once. Shudder.) SpongeBob laughed his strangled sheep laugh again as he watched Ron surrender to his evil scheme.  
  
"Excellent," he said evilly. "The only one that can stop me is being brainwashed himself! Now everything is going according to plan! I've already brainwashed the Muggles, since they're too powerless to stop me. Soon, the wizarding world will be under my spell! I'm so glad Lord Voldemort taught me this brainwashing spell! If he didn't my show would be such a flop! Well look at him now! Brainless and stupid! What more could I ask for?"  
  
His monologue was interrupted by the sound of an explosion. The sponge whipped around and looked at his crystal ball. As he watched, Ron was untied. Ron had set his wand at the TV, and it exploded into millions of pieces! All of the Weasleys, except Ron, had fainted at once.  
  
"I'm sorry," Ron said. "I promise I'll use every Galleon I've got to buy us a new one. Forgive me."  
  
With that said, Ron grabbed his broomstick again and flew out of the Burrow.  
  
SpongeBob screamed in rage that Ron had been able to outsmart him again. He turned away from his crystal ball not being able to bear to watch anymore.  
  
"Patrik!" he called. "Squidward! We're moving on to Plan B! Let's go!"  
  
Ron flew on his broomstick to Hermione's house. He hoped that she hadn't fallen under that same spell.  
  
"If anyone can help me," he thought, "it has to be her."  
  
He managed to find Hermione's house. Once he found it, he landed and went to her door and knocked on it. Hermione's mother answered it.  
  
"Hello dear," she said, "can I help you?"  
  
"I'm looking for Hermione," Ron said, "is she here?"  
  
"I think she's in her room," the mother answered, "Why don't you come inside, and I'll get her for you?"  
  
Ron stepped inside the house. Hermione's mother motioned for him to sit on the couch and wait and maybe watch some TV. Ron didn't touch the TV. The threat of SpongeBob was very well in the Muggle world. And if Hermione's parents were brainwashed as well, they sure didn't act like it. He secretly hoped they weren't.  
  
Suddenly, he heard a high-pitched shriek come from the hallway! Ron got up and ran down the hall as fast as he could! He banged open a door. There was Hermione's mother, lying unconscious on Hermione's bedroom floor. A note was attached to her forehead. Before Ron looked at the note, he revived the mother. Hermione's mother woke up and looked at Ron.  
  
"Are you okay Mrs. Granger?" Ron asked. "What happened?"  
  
"It was horrible," she answered. "I was coming into Hermione's room to tell her you arrived when a giant, pink, star in unflattering boxers came in our room. It grabbed Hermione and threw the note at me! It was terrible!"  
  
Ron took the note off Mrs. Granger's head and read it.  
  
_Dear Ron Weasley,  
  
As you can see, we've kidnapped the Granger girl. If you want to see her again, you must come to the pineapple under the sea and state your surrender. If not, we will kill the girl by drowning her...in my merchandise!  
  
Sincerely, SpongeBob Square Pants  
  
P.S: You can bring someone along if you want, but it would be very pointless. They'd be brainwashed as well!_  
  
Ron looked away from the note then crumpled it up. Mrs. Granger stared at him with a fearful look in her eyes.  
  
"What's going to happen?" she asked.  
  
"I'm going to go to the pineapple," Ron said, "and I'm going to rescue Hermione from that retarded sponge."  
  
"But won't you get brainwashed as well?" Mrs. Granger asked.  
  
"I'm not sure. One episode didn't have an effect on me. Maybe I'm immune to the spell. But don't worry, Mrs. Granger. I'll bring Hermione back, alive."  
  
Ron then turned and walked down the hall and retrieved his broomstick. He then opened the door and left the house. Mrs. Granger's waved at him good- bye.  
  
"Be careful!" she called.  
  
Ron flew back to Harry's house hoping that the Dursley's would force him to turn off the TV. Or that, at least, Dudley wasn't stupid enough to watch the evil cartoon. He doubted that Dudley even had any brains in him.  
  
Once he made it to Harry's house, an uneasy feeling went through him. Without even knocking, he walked into the house. It was strangely quiet.  
  
"Harry?" he called. "Are you here, Harry?"  
  
There was no sound. He climbed the stairs to his best friend's room. Hedwig was screeching very loud, and there was a note attached to her cage. Ron went very pale and took the note off the cage. He read the note in horror.  
  
_Too slow, Weasley. We've got him too. Looks like there's no one to help you now.  
_  
Ron dropped the note in disbelief and sat on Harry's bed. He knew he needed help, but there was no one he could turn to.  
  
Or was there?  
  
Reaka: Guess what? That's another cliffy!  
  
Ron: Hey! That's not fair! I thought I finally got to kill that stupid sponge thing!  
  
Reaka: You're getting help to do it!  
  
Ron: But he kidnapped Harry and Hermione! There's no one I can really turn to!  
  
Reaka: Oh yes there is! But I'm making the fans vote for who they want in the story!  
  
Ron: I'm scared. Who?  
  
Reaka: Will it be Draco Malfoy? Lucius Malfoy? Or will it be Severus Snape? Your vote will determine who Ron will go to for help! Until then, please review! See you! 


	3. An Unlikely Helper

Disclaimer: You want to sue me? Fine. You'll earn yourself a black eye. It's your fault for not knowing I don't own Harry Potter or SpongeBob in any way! So don't yell at me!

Reaka: Hello everyone! Here's the third chapter of Ron Weasley Kills! The votes are in, and the winner is...well you just have to read to find out!

To the Reviewers!

Reese Craven: Really? I'll remember that next time I get flamed. Thank you for your vote, and I'm glad you liked it!

Ginervas-devil-within: Thank you for sorting out my confusion. I agree. The sponge is evil.

TheYeti02: A SpongeBob fan...that likes this? (blink blink) Wow. I must be good! Thank you very much!

0x0emily0x0: Thank you very much for your vote.

Fool Moon: That's one of the main reasons I can't stand it either. I feel your pain. Thanks for your review.

Hermione: Really? You like it! Thank you! I hope you like this one!

All right, you're all tired of me stalling and you want to know who the person Ron's going for help to is, right?

Impatient Readers: Well...yes!

Reaka: Well, now you're going to find out! The person is...

The Unlikely Helper

Ron left the Dursley's as quickly as he could. They were probably celebrating Harry's disappearance anyway. It would give them a good reason to kick him out. There was nowhere else for him to go but up.

"There must be some place that I can go without getting attacked and forced to watch a big, yellow, sponge!" he thought. "That thing is a nightmare! And now, it's kidnapped my friends! Who will I turn to?"

Suddenly, he looked down, and he realized he was flying towards the Malfoy Manor.

"That's it!" he thought. "I'll get help from the Malfoys! They hate anything Muggle related, so why not?"

He flew down to the mansion and jumped off his broom. He landed gracefully on one foot. His other foot kicked out in front of him, and his hands held his broom.

"All that's missing is your tutu," said the familiar voice of Draco Malfoy. " What the hell do you want here Weasley? If you're looking for money, I'm not going to give it to you."

"No," Ron answered. "I need your help. A big, yellow, retarded, cartoon sponge by the name of SpongeBob is brainwashing the Muggle world into liking the crap he calls a TV show."

"And how does that affect me?" Draco asked.

"Because now he's going after witches and wizards!" Ron answered. "You and your family could be next, Malfoy! Do you really want your life to run around a retarded, Muggle sponge?"

Lusius Malfoy had overheard Ron's statement as he stood in the doorway. He'd just waxed his pimp cane. (Hehe. Thank you Fool Moon!) And he was about to use it on Ron to kick him out when he heard that statement.

"A Muggle sponge is threatening the wizarding world?" Lusius asked. "Come inside. We need to talk. Tell me everything you know."

To Draco's dismay, Ron was let in and seated at his favorite chair. Severus Snape was seated on the couch.

"This is something I thought I'd never see," Snape said, "the other most retarded pureblood wizard, besides Sirius Black, sitting in the Malfoy Manor. Are you drunk, Weasley?"

"No!" Ron yelled. "The wizarding world is in danger! And it's all because of a sponge!"

Ron told his painful story about how a friendly visit with Harry Potter turned out to be an evil brainwashing scheme from SpongeBob Square Pants. The three wizards listening to this story stared wide-eyed, and they started shaking visibly.

"I need a drink," Lusius said.

"And there's more," Ron continued. "He's kidnapped Harry and Hermione to make sure I go there to face him."

"What happens if you don't?" Snape asked.

"They'll be drowned," Ron answered, "in SpongeBob merchandise! That's a fate that's worse than death."

"It is death you retard!" Draco exclaimed. "They'll be drowned in it! Drowned as in no air! Are you stupid?"

SMACK!

Lusius hit his son with his pimp cane very hard on his head.

"You don't say that when there's an evil plot going on!" he yelled. He hit his son again in his face. Draco fell to the ground, knocked out.

"So I need help from one of you," Ron said. "I don't think I can do it alone."

"I'll help you Weasley," Snape said. "Unlike the Malfoys, I've seen this vile sponge. It's one of the most retarded things I've ever seen! And that's including Potter on my list! Actually, it's the most retarded thing I've seen. Believe me, I've seen a lot. If you got help from one of those two, they might be brainwashed as well. Do you see why it's wise to get someone who's witnessed it?"

Ron nodded.

"Good," Snape stated. "Now, you and I are going to make a stop at Hogwarts. We're going to need a gillyweed."

"Why a gillyweed?" Ron asked.

"Because in the opening crap," Snape explained, "it says that he lives in a pineapple under the sea. We can't breathe underwater, so we're going to need it. Understand now?"

Ron nodded, and the two of them started to leave the mansion.

"Well, good-bye then!" Lusius said. "While you're doing that, I'm going to beat up my son and physically abuse him!"

Snape and Ron looked at him, scared.

"What?" Lusius asked. "It's what other fanfiction authors say I do! And that's just the PG-13 rated ones! The rated R ones they think I..."

Ron and Snape got on their broomsticks and flew out of there as fast as they could. They really didn't want to hear what Lusius was going to say next. As fast as their brooms would carry them they set off to Hogwarts to get the gillyweed they needed.

Meanwhile, SpongeBob sat in his office with a fishbowl over his head with water in it. He gave his kidnapped victims air. Harry and Hermione were across from each other, chained to different walls. SpongeBob laughed that horrible, strangled sheep laugh again as he stared at Hermione.

"If only you were a sponge," he said. "Oh well! I'll just kill you anyway when your red-haired friend gets here! He won't stand a chance!"

"Ron will save us!" Hermione said. "There's no way he'd let an annoying little sponge like you try and kill us!"

"Don't be too sure," SpongeBob replied. "Why isn't he here yet then?"

"Because you didn't tell him the location of your pineapple," Hermione said. "He just knows it's underwater."

"Oh!" Spongebob said.

"See? You are a stupid sponge!" Hermione exclaimed. "How did you get to be so popular anyway?"

"Why don't you ask Harry?" SpongeBob asked. "He seems to really like me."

They turned to Harry. Harry, despite the fact that he was chained, was trying to imitate that stupid laugh of SpongeBob's.

"Look Hermione!" Harry said. "It's SpongeBob! He's really here!"

SpongeBob laughed and looked into his crystal ball again.

"He's got that greasy freak with him!" he said in dismay. "They won't get here in time."

Hermione glared in the sponge's direction.

"No matter," SpongeBob said. "Your death will be quick. I'll be sure of that. Patrick! Squidward! Take our prisoners to their chambers! Prepare them to be drowned in my merchandise!"

Ron and Snape stood over the ocean staring into the depths.

"Are you ready Weasley?" Snape asked.

"Yes, sir," Ron answered.

"Good," Snape stated. "You know, this would be the appropriate time to say that I love you wouldn't it?"

"Really?"

"Not a chance. You're not my type. But since we might not come out of here alive, I love you."

"I love you too."

Putting the gillyweed in each of their mouths, Ron and Snape jumped off the cliff they were standing on and dove into the ocean below in search for the pineapple under the sea.

Snape: Attention readers! I just want everyone to know that I'm not gay! Even if I were, I would never go for a Weasley.

Ron: You know you can't resist the Weasleyness Snape. Just admit it. I'm not gay either. And I'd never go for Snape.

Reaka: Uh, Ron?

Ron: What?

Reaka: Reese Craven and I are planning on co-writing a story.

Ron: So what does that have to do with me?

Reaka: You and Ginny are fighting over the same man.

Ron: In the words of Aoshi Shinomori in RKUM (Ruroni Kenshin Underwear Models for those who don't understand) I will kill you.

Reaka: Great! Now, please leave nice reviews! And if you do decide to flame me because you didn't heed my warning ::cough cough ned and Ginnywea! Cough:: please actually tell me why it sucked! How am I getting constructive criticism if you're just telling me how horrible it is? Tell my why it's so bad! Okay? Now that that's settled and out of my system, review please! See you around!


	4. The secret to the success

Disclaimer: You know. You all know.

Reaka: Hey everyone! Here's the fourth chapter of Ron Weasley Kills! In this chapter, you will find out what the hell it is that allows SpongeBob to brainwash everyone into liking his show. The secret shall be revealed! But first!

To the Reviewers!

Reese Craven: Yes, Reese, we must start that project soon! I'm glad you liked it.

I understand that there were technical difficulties around the time that I uploaded this fic, meaning a lot of you weren't able to review. I'm going to thank you for reading that chapter anyway. So, thank you.

Warning! (Unless you're really, really dim-witted you can skip over this.) I really don't like SpongeBob so I insult him a lot. If you like SpongeBob and are very sensitive to people slamming him, don't read. This chapter might be the worst for that.

Now, on with the chapter!

The Secret to the Brainwashing

The gillyweed, by far, had now become one of Ron's favorite magical plants. He was glad that it allowed him to breathe underwater instead of having to swim the whole time with his nose plugged. It was a really good change.

He felt someone grab his arm, and he almost screamed as he was being tugged. But it was only Snape trying to guide him into the right direction.

On the bottom of the ocean, there was a big, glowing bubble with, what looked like, a pineapple in the middle of it. Ron looked at Snape, and the Potions Master nodded. That was their pineapple under the sea that they needed to go to. Ron gulped, and the two heroes dove to the depths to save the world and their friends.

Inside of his hideout, SpongeBob laughed like a maniac as he watched Hermione struggle to get out of her chamber. In a few minutes, she was to be drowned in his merchandise. And that was a death of all deaths.

"Come on now, Hermione," SpongeBob coaxed. "All you have to do is join the dark side, and watch me on TV. I may be a big, retarded, sponge with a laugh that sounds suspiciously like a goat with a hernia, but everyone else likes it! Join us! Look at Mr. Potter! He's enjoying himself."

Harry sat in the chair in the middle of his drowning chamber looking amused at everything. Once he noticed SpongeBob was looking at him, he waved.

"Can I have your autograph?" Harry called.

"I don't get it," Hermione said. "You're the dumbest thing to ever be on TV. The show sucks! But how did you get so popular?"

"How you ask?" the yellow square repeated. "I'll tell you. Only you and I will know this secret."

SpongeBob reached in his pocket and pulled out a (twitch) Crabby Pattie. It was glowing with an evil light.

"My show is nothing but a big piece of crap," it explained. "I'll be the first to admit that. It's not funny, and my laugh is annoying. But, with help from the evil Lord Voldemort, I was able to take one of my overrated Crabby Patties and make it a brainwashing item. It'll show up for a split second right before an episode of my show comes on, and once the opening theme song starts playing, and after I do that embarrassing thing with my nose, everyone is brainwashed and loving it!"

After saying that monologue, he proceeded on doing the annoying, strangled sheep laugh. Hermione cringed.

"In return for his assistance, I brainwashed Lord Voldemort into liking it. This showed me that not even the wizards and witches could resist the power. Even the famous Harry Potter is reduced to nothing," he continued. " And soon, I shall rid the world of the only one that's immune to the brainwashing."

"Ron," Hermione said.

"That's right," SpongeBob said. "Mr. Weasley has turned into quite the nuisance in my world domination plan. But once he sees you and Harry drowned in my merchandise, he'll be helpless! And you know what I'll do? I'll kill him with Avada Kedavera!"

"But you have to be a wizard to do that!" Hermione protested. "You won't be able to do it! You lost there, you moronic invertebrate!"

"Oh, but you're wrong," said the sponge. He pulled a wand out from his pocket.

"I am a wizard!" he exclaimed. "And soon, I'll be the most powerful one in the world! I've gotten rid of Harry Potter and Voldemort. Now all that's left is Albus Dumbledore and Ron Weasley. Then I'll be invincible!"

"You won't win!" Hermione said. "Dumbledore's too smart to fall into trickery like that! Nice try!"

"I've had enough of your insolence!" SpongeBob yelled. He walked over to his crystal ball and looked inside. Ron and Snape were closing in on the pineapple.

"Severus Snape is immune?" he asked.

"Bet you didn't see that coming, did you?" Hermione asked.

"You knew!" the sponge yelled. "Patrick! Squidward! It's time we drowned our guests in my merchandise!"

The starfish went towards Harry, and the squid went to Hermione. Harry looked at Patrick and waved once he stepped inside.

"Hello!" Harry said cheerfully. "You've always been my favorite character. You're so funny!"

Patrick took no heed as he chained Harry's arms to the wall. Then he went to his legs.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Harry asked, suddenly afraid. "Hermione! What's going on?! Are they going to kill us? Hermione!"

Hermione, herself, was keeping her distance from the squid whose voice was more annoying than the author's sister. She drew her wand and sent curses and hexes to him, but none of them worked.

"You can't win!" she yelled. "Even Harry knows you're evil now! Give it up! When Ron comes, you'll be dead anyway!"

Suddenly, a tentacle shot at her, and Hermione fell. Squidward caught her and started to chain her up just as Patrick chained up Harry. Both of SpongeBob's minions stepped out of the chambers. SpongeBob looked at Hermione.

"I was hoping I'd hear you scream when I drowned you," he said. "but if all you're going to do is remind me how much I suck, then it's not worth it. Harry's screams are much better. Let the drowning begin!"

Stuffed SpongeBobs started falling in Harry and Hermione's prisons.

Ron and Snape made it to the bottom of the ocean and went right through the air bubble.

"That was different," Ron said.

"He must have a charm on his home so he can do that," Snape said. "Be on your guard, Weasley. We'll be lucky if he doesn't know of my presence, but he's mainly after you. I can't guarantee I'll be able to watch your ass all the time."

"The way you said it, I don't want you to," Ron replied.

Suddenly, the door to the pineapple opened, and Patrick and Squidward walked out. Snape and Ron prepared to draw their wands.

"If you want to get to your friends," Squidward said, "you'll have to get through us."

"We'll consider that a challenge," Snape replied. "Right Weasley?"

"Sure," Ron answered.

They drew their wands.

What will happen next? Will Ron and Snape get through Patrick and Squidward to get to Harry and Hermione on time? Will SpongeBob be killed? What'll happen to the Crabby Patty if he dies? Was Albus Dumbledore affected by SpongeBob?

Actually, I can answer that one!

Dumbledore sat in his office at Hogwarts when a bunch of owls flew in through his open window. Between them, a large package was being carried. Curiously, Dumbledore opened it. It was a small TV. Once he figured out how it worked, Dumbledore turned it on. SpongeBob Square Pants started playing!

Quickly, Dumbledore turned off the TV.

"I will not let myself watch that evil," he said. "That's worse than...a porno starring me."

But, suddenly, the TV turned on again on its own. The evil, theme music started to play again. Dumbledore screamed in agony.

Does this mean it could be the end of the world? Do Snape and Ron really love each other?

Snape and Ron: WE'RE NOT GAY!

Reaka: I know! I just had to put that. But I think you guys would make a very interesting couple though. Don't you think?

The two of them proceed to give me the finger.

Well, okay. The battle scene is coming up next, so you better be patient! The next one will have very careful planning. Till then, see you!


	5. Getting Past the Minions

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Harry Potter is not mine. Thankfully, I don't own SpongeBob either. I'd have killed him if I did.

Reaka: Hey everyone! Thank you for your reviews! I enjoyed reading them! These next two chapters will be big battle scenes between SpongeBob and his evil minions. I hope you enjoy them! I went through meticulous planning to do it.

FLASHBACK!

Reaka is sitting in her room, picking her nose, and listening to her CD player.

Reaka: Hm...maybe I should plan the battle scene for "Ron Weasley Kills."

END FLASHBACK!

Reaka: That's about it. Meticulous planning, yes, that was what I was doing.

To the Reviewers!

Reese Craven: How do you think I'm managing to "supposedly" get Tombs to have a little crush on me? Careful planning!

Albus-rox: I e-mailed you already. I have nothing more to say.

GarnetGirl9: Thank you! I'm really glad you liked my idea of SpongeBob and Voldemort! I don't know where it came from, but it seemed to be a good idea. I hope you're satisfied with this chapter!

Fool Moon: I agree...very very scary. Ron and Snape all the way! Yes!

Okay! Now that that's all settled, let's get on with the next chapter. I bet you're dying to know what'll happen to Ron and Snape aren't you? Aren't you?

Impatient readers: Get on with the damn thing already!

Reaka: All right! All right! Here it is! Keep your pants on! And if you're a nudist...get some! I don't know!

Getting Past the Minions

"Well, this is unexpected," Snape said under his breath. "The minions, and probably the sponge himself, are wizards."

"But how does that work out?" Ron asked. "Wizards are humans! Not invertebrates with no sense of humor!"

"It must be the work of the Dark Lord," Snape replied.

"Enough of your stupid talk of the Dark Lord!" Squidward yelled. "He is nothing but a brainless twit now! SpongeBob will be taking over the title of Dark Lord soon!"

"But who's going to be intimidated by a cartoon sponge?" Ron asked. "Ooh! That's so scary! I'm shaking! Save me Snape! Save me!"

"Don't worry Ron!" Snape said, joining in on the insulting. "I'll save you from the sponge! I won't let him sponge you to death!"

The two heroes laughed at their insulting.

"Enough!" Patrick yelled. "Prepare to die!"

"My cliché senses are tingling!" Snape said. "I think you'll die first though!"

And with that, the fight between hero and henchman began. Snape went after Patrick, and Ron went after Squidward.

Snape and Patrick faced off each other. Patrick swung his wand around hoping the magic would hurt the Potions master, but Snape blocked them off with ease.

"You're not a sea creature!" Patrick exclaimed.

"Of course I'm not, you moron!" Snape said. "Expelliarmus!"

Patrick's wand flew out of his hand, and he was knocked to the ground. Snape stepped over him to prevent him from getting up.

"Now die, you stupid starfish!" Snape said. "KABOOM!"

Patrick exploded, and his guts went everywhere.

Ron and Squidward were fighting, and nothing much was happening between them. When Patrick exploded, the two looked over at the sea-star-gut covered potions master.

"Patrick," Squidward said. "He's dead isn't he?"

"Hm," Snape said. "I'm the last one standing, his guts are all over me, what do you think? Honestly! Is every character on SpongeBob as stupid as you?"

Squidward became angry and started attacking Ron with every curse and hex that popped into his head. The expelliarmus charm was then used, and Ron's wand flew out. Before Ron could get it, Squidward put his wand in front of Ron's face.

"I shall have the pleasure of killing you," Squidward said. "But what's the charm that you use?"

"Avada Kedevra," Snape replied. Squidward fell over, dead. Ron grabbed his wand and got up again.

"Dueling Club didn't do much for you, did it?" Snape asked.

"I'd be surprised if it did help somebody!" Ron answered. "Gilderoy Lockhart was too busy bragging about his fake accomplishments to really teach us anything."

Snape nodded in agreement. Ron's statement was very true.

The door to the pineapple swung open. Ron and Snape looked at each other and walked inside.

They started running when they heard a scream. They couldn't tell if it was Harry or Hermione because both were very high-pitched screamers. But once they burst through the doors, they stopped in their tracks.

Harry and Hermione were trapped in two different chambers at different sides of the room. The merchandise had reached the middle of Harry's thighs, while it was up to Hermione's stomach. Hermione was still unconscious.

"He's started to drown them already!" Snape exclaimed.

"No," Ron said. " He can't do this!"

The all-too-annoying laugh filled the room, and SpongeBob stepped from the shadow that he was standing in.

"It looks like I'm doing a good job of it," SpongeBob said. "You're too late, Weasley! You'll never save your friends in time. The girl will be dead before you even attempt to kill me. And Harry? He'll be tortured longer because he's taller."

"You'll be dead before any of us," Ron replied.

"Really," said the sponge, "we'll see about that."

"Ron," Snape said, "I'll handle this."

"What? But Snape..."

"Free the others!" Snape commanded. "Besides, you'll get your chance to fight him in the end anyway! You're the main character! Remember?"

"Oh yeah!" Ron exclaimed. "I forgot about that one!"

"You'll get your chance." Snape said. "Just let me deal with him right now."

Snape drew his wand, and SpongeBob did the same.

Reaka: You get a cliffy! You get a cliffy! Now you want to kill me don't you? Well, you can't! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Will Snape win against SpongeBob? Will Ron save Harry and Hermione before they're completely drowned in SpongeBob merchandise? Will I plan carefully for the next chapter? Review, and you'll find out on the next episode of Ron Weasley Kills!


	6. The Battle for the World

Disclaimer: One of these days I'm going to kidnap JK so that I can own Harry Potter. The guy that created SpongeBob can keep him. He sucks.

Reaka: Welcome back everyone! Look at this! Not a very long wait! Happy about that? You should be! Thank you reviewers!

To the Reviewers!

Reese Craven: For someone who wants to be an English teacher, you had a lot of typos in your last review. Wanna talk about it? What the hell am I saying? You get the idea! Thanks for reviewing!

Iamdraco'sgal: Believe me, you're not the only one that hates him with a passion. Most of the people that got past the first chapter hate him with a passion. There's some here and there that like him, but it's mostly SpongeBob haters. Thanks for the review!

Squirrellover: Another SpongeBob fan that likes this! People like you are really rare. All the SpongeBob fans that flame me can never get past the first chapter and they all say that I can't write a proper story. You're one of the few SpongeBob fans that proved them wrong. Thank you very much!

You don't want to know: (blushes) Thanks for your review! I really appreciate it! Thank you! I hope you're satisfied with this one!

Now that that's out of my system, let's review. Last time, on Ron Weasley Kills, Snape and Ron had made it to the bottom of the sea to the pineapple. Patrick and Squidward had stood in their way, but they were easily thwarted. Upon entering the pineapple, our heroes had made the grim discovery that Harry and Hermione were about half-drowned in SpongeBob merchandise. (A woman is heard screaming in the distance at this point.) Ron was about ready to fight SpongeBob, but Snape told him that he will fight, and Ron must free his friends at the moment.

What will happen to Snape? And how will Ron free Harry and Hermione before they're drowned in crappy, overpriced merchandise? Find out...right now!

The Battle for the World and a Little Feedback for the Flamers

"You think this is wise, Snape?" SpongeBob asked. "Facing me? SpongeBob Square Pants, the new Dark Lord."

"No, actually," Snape answered. "I think it's absolutely ridiculous! Come on! I'm about to fight a big, yellow, ugly cartoon sponge that a lot of teenagers pretend to like so that they can be popular with the preps that actually like this crap!"

"How dare you insult me and call me ugly!" SpongeBob yelled. "I am the cutest, funniest, spongiest sponge ever!"

"You've got to be kidding me," Snape said, dripping with sarcasm. "Spongiest sponge? Did you make that up all by yourself?"

"No," the sponge said. "It was a flame the author received. I like reading the flames. It shows there are people out there that actually like me."

"Please don't make me hurl," Snape said. "None of them could make it past the first chapter."

"Which shows they're too loyal to me to watch me be insulted!" yelled the sponge. " And I will win this battle for them!"

"And that will piss off those that have actually made it to this chapter," Snape concluded. "I think not. Expelliarmus!"

SpongeBob stepped out of the way just as the spell was about to hit him. Snape cursed under his breath.

"You're gonna have to do better than that if you want to kill me," said the sponge. " A lot better. Now it's my turn to do it."

Meanwhile, Ron ran from one drowning chamber to the other to try and free his trapped friends. Hermione was up to her chest in SpongeBob merchandise. Harry was just above his stomach in it.

"Ron, you've got to hurry!" Harry exclaimed. "It's coming down really fast!"

"I know Harry!" Ron yelled. "How do I open the chambers to help you?!"

Hermione groaned and opened her eyes right at that moment. She screamed when she saw all the merchandise that was attempting to drown her.

"Hermione!" Ron said. "Hurry! You've got to help me! How do I get you and Harry out of there?!"

"You can't!" Hermione answered. "You have to kill SpongeBob in order for it to stop! It's either him or the overrated Crabby Patty he uses to brainwash everyone into liking his show!"

"Crabby Patty?" Harry asked. "That sounds disgusting!"

"Those are the only two ways!" Hermione exclaimed.

"All right," Ron said. "Just don't drown on me okay?"

Harry and Hermione nodded. Ron went to the battle between Snape and SpongeBob.

"Silencio!" Snape yelled. SpongeBob went silent.

"Good," Snape said. "Now we don't have to hear that horrible laugh that sounds just like a strangled sheep."

Suddenly, SpongeBob waved his wand, and a blue light hit Snape! He fell down and slid across the room.

"Snape!" Ron yelled. "Don't worry, I'll save you! Petrificus Totallum!"

The sponge went stiff as a board, and he fell on his face.

"Now finish him off," Snape commanded.

"You should do it," Ron said. "You did most of the work! I need to find that Crabby Patty to free Harry and Hermione."

"You idiot!" Snape exclaimed. "You realize the name of this fic is Ron Weasley Kills right? Wouldn't it be kind of pointless to name it that if I killed SpongeBob and saved the world! Do it!"

"But I'd be using an unforgiveable curse!" Ron protested.

"You're making me believe that you actually like this sponge!" Snape said. "For the sake of the world, I think we can make an exception. Just kill him already!"

The curse used on SpongeBob was starting to wear off.

"AVADA KEDEVRA!" Ron yelled. SpongeBob not only died, but he exploded into a million pieces. Since he was already dead when he exploded, his pieces could not regenerate into more sponges. Therefore, the world was finally saved.

"I did it," Ron said. "For once, I'm not in Harry's shadow! I saved the world."

"Now you just have to save our asses!" Harry yelled. "Did you forget that we were drowning here?!"

Ron turned in horror. Hermione was almost completely covered in merchandise, and Harry's head was the only thing showing in his chamber.

"He's not taking you with him in death!" Ron yelled. "Accio overrated Crabby Patty!"

The overrated Crabby Patty flew into Ron's hands.

"How do I destroy it?" Ron asked.

"Think of something!" Snape said. "How else do you dispose of a Crabby Patty?"

"I'm not eating it!" Ron said. "That's gross!"'

"What's another way?" Snape asked.

At once, Ron threw the Crabby Patty on the ground and started to stomp on it. He stomped and stomped until there was nothing left to squish under his foot.

"The merchandise stopped pouring in!" Snape exclaimed. "You did it, Ron! You saved the world!"

Suddenly, the pineapple started to shake. The glass on the drowning chambers broke, and the merchandise poured out. Quickly, Snape ran over to both of the prisoners and used the Alohamora charm on their chains. Hermione gasped for air as she stepped out.

"We're free!" Harry yelled. "I'm never watching another episode of SpongeBob again!"

"Thank goodness there won't be another episode!" Hermione said. "Ron destroyed it!"

Suddenly, a bright light shot out from where the Crabby Patty used to be! The light shot out and hit Ron! He screamed loudly as he was hit.

"No!" Snape yelled, "Ron!"

He ran into the light and tackled Ron. Suddenly, everyone was being lifted off the ground. Before they even had time to react, they were shot from the pineapple and thrown out of the sea landing where Snape's and Ron's broomsticks lay waiting for them.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"Maybe that was a way of confirming the world was freed," Hermione suggested.

"But we paid a terrible price," Snape said sadly.

Ron was lying dead in Snape's arms.

Reaka: Did I just kill Ron? No! Not my Weasleyness! I know! I'm going to write another chapter! That'll make it all better! I'll write another chapter! Do you really think I'd let Ron stay dead? Especially when I haven't had any Ron/Snape slash in this story yet? What will happen? Find out on the next episode of Ron Weasley Kills!


	7. After the Battle

Disclaimer: No, I don't own it! I wanna own my Weasleyness! Why can't I own him? Why! Why! Why!

To the Reviewers!

Fool Moon: Ron/Snape slash! Ron/Snape slash! Now you've got me saying it! Thank you for your review!

Reese Craven: It's fun pointing out your mistakes. Your temper is amusing too. Now settle down, turbo. You'll get your slash!

That's now well out of my system! Here's, now, the last chapter of Ron Weasley Kills. (sniff sniff) As you all recall, last chapter had Ron dying in Snape's arms. Will he stay dead? Or will there be a way to revive him? Find out right now!

After the Battle

"No! Ron, you can't be dead!" Hermione said. "Say it isn't so!"

"Isn't there a movie called that?" Harry asked.

"Yeah!" Hermione said. "Where a guy falls in love with a girl that chops off his ear on accident, then he proposes, they have sex before they get married, the guy gets sucked on by the girl's cat. At the same time he's looking for his mother, and he finds out his fiance's mother is his mother! So he screwed his sister! And then he finds out that he really isn't related to her, so he's trying to find a way to make her believe that, but everything he tries just gets worse and worse! And then..."

"Hermione! We get it!" Snape said. "now let's focus on trying to revive Ron! Anyone know CPR besides me?"

"He needs mouth to mouth resuscitation!" Hermione said. "But the only one that can do it is you."

"No," Snape said.

"Please Professor," Harry pleaded. "He's our friend, and you're the only one that can save him. Please do it."

Grumbling, Snape laid Ron on the ground. Opening Ron's mouth, Snape put his own on Ron's. He breathed into Ron's mouth hoping that this would work. He'd never admit it, he liked this part of saving Ron's life.

Ron opened his eyes just as Snape was about to kiss him a second time.

"Professor?" Ron asked.

"Weasley?" Snape replied.

Both screamed and stood as far away from each other as possible. They looked to Harry and Hermione, who were laughing their heads off.

"You will mention this to no one," Snape said. "Or I will kill you."

"No one will ever know," Harry promised. Though he kept his fingers crossed. He actually planned on telling Sirius about this. (I don't care what they say, SIRIUS IS ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE! I TELL YOU, HE'S ALIVE!)

A few weeks later, Harry, Ron and Hermione were all at Hermione's house. They hung out there for a while.

"Let's watch some TV," Hermione said. The other two agreed.

The TV turned on, and they almost expected SpongeBob to still be on TV, but he was not. A new show called The Fairly Odd Parents was now showing!

"Finally! A show worth watching!" Harry said. The three of them sat down and watched the coolest Nickelodeon show besides Ren and Stimpy.

Way out in Timmy Turner's house, Timmy, Wanda, and Cosmo were watching the world and laughing as the ratings went up.

"If they only knew," Wanda said. They laughed forever as everyone was liking this show better than (twitch) SpongeBob.

Reaka: Okay! That's it. As you can tell, I like the Fairly Odd Parents a lot better! They're actually funny! And that's it! That's the end! I hope you enjoyed it, and have a nice day!


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